the past?

A few years ago I basically had to therapy myself out of journalling because it was making me latch onto things in a way that wasn't good for me then. So much work on The Present but I'm super stuck on the time that was: sperm search, insemination, pregnancy, birth planning and The First Year. It was hell and it was unique and I'm kind of mourning it and missing it and not sure how to best document it, but it feels important to. I also feel like I need to get to the now with my kid and I need to deal with this stuff first, get to some sort of balance between knowing that that is/was mine and that I don't have to forget or unlive it, but that I have to move forward from it. I'm also having a lot of resentment, towards the person I've been involved with/co-parenting with to an extent (for the past 8 months), to friends who are around now but not involved or making things harder in Anna's first months, and around people who are newly pregnant/parents/planning that.

I was having some intense ghost kicks the other day. Then found out someone I know with an Anna-aged kid is pregnant again. I also suddenly am having all this issue-y-ness with giving away tiny infant clothes. I'm not ready to hand off even those mini literal parts of Anna's infancy and I'm not willing to admit that I don't have the same options as others in "family planning" (the condom aisle.) Fuck you money, we were never friends anyway.

The actual Getting Pregnant part of getting pregnant is a story. It's cute and rad and alty and has all kinds of bits and objects to hang onto. But it's a very small moment in the process. I think people think that because I was out of town they didn't know shit, but that's not it. What about when the doctor's thought I'd miscarried? Or when people were so complimentary because I wasn't giant but my midwives were worried about my not gaining? Or the Rabbi. No one ever asks me the story of the fun I had booking an appointment to schedule a naming ceremony for my kid with a rabbi I'd never met, having to explain my single homo broke-ass planned DIY at-home pregnancy and whether we might be able to change the language in some of the prayers to reflect that. I'm actually not the toughest or most shameless, and maybe somebody reading this knows I don't really go for the most radical form of Jewishness when I do seek it out.

So that sucked. I'm trying not to be angry or flaky or, I guess spiritual here, but it's probably not working. I want to say my kid likes The Clash more than Barney as some sort of repentance, but it's not even true.